changing in my room
me: oh, hi poster, didnt see you there
me: *pulls off shirt*
me: you like that, dont you, you naughty poster you
uss-enterprise: woodforthetrees: siuilaruin: spockity: dave-bowman: hoshaway: silly australians it’s not really new years until it’s new years in AMERICA We don’t celebrate New Year’s here; we celebrate another year of FREEDOM I don’t have any New Year’s resolutions. I’m already FREE. HAPPY AMERICA AMERICA DOESN’T CELEBRATE NEW YEAR’S NEW YEAR’S CELEBRATES AMERICA...
Straight Girls: Wow, look at that girl I wish I was her.
Lesbians: Wow, look at that girl I wish I was in her.
Band member: Hi, nice to meet you!
Me: I can't believe I'm actually talking to you, and breathing the same air! Oh my gosh, I'll never wash these lungs again. sldkjfhglkjdf
Band member: *laughs*
Band member: So do you want me to sign something?
Me: Let's make beautiful babies.
Band member: What?
Me: I asked if you could sign my.... poster.
Band member: I could have sworn you just said -
Band member: But -
Passed a real gentleman on the sidewalk tonight
Dude [into cellphone]: I'M GOING TO BREAK YOUR FUCKING JAW THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU. DO YOU HEAR ME? YOUR FUCKING JAW. I'M GONNA BREAK-- hold on, give me a second. There's a woman walking by.
me: well... i better be on my way now, i've got to wake u-
gay male: i'm gay
straight female: OMG UR GAY LET'S BE BFFS CAN WE GO SHOPPING TOGETHER OMG
gay female: i'm gay
straight female: EW GET AWAY FROM ME U DYKE DONT TOUCH ME GROSS LESBIAN GERMS
And let's not forget -
Gay female: I'm gay
Straight male: OMG SO HOT. DAMN. CAN I FUCK YOU AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND WHILE SOMEONE FILMS IT. TOUCH HER BOOOBS. BOOOOOOOOBS.
Gay male: I'm gay
Straight male: HOLY SHIT IT'S A HOMO GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME FUCKIN HOMO. BACKS AGAINST THE WALL GUYS.
me: i love you
me: shh don't speak
TYPE YOUR NAME: scarlet
TYPE YOUR NAME WITH YOUR ELBOW: scarfl,etg
TYPE YOUR NAME WITH YOUR EYES SHUT: scarlet
TYPE YOUR NAME WITH YOUR CHIN: scarlett
SLAM YOUR FACE ON THE KEYBOARD: About 3 things i was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him, and i didnt know how dominant that part might be, that thirsted for my blood. And third, i was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him
Why does this always happen on Facebook?
Status: I just had a sandwich. It was delicious.
Comment (from relative over the age of 40): Hello Jim! I hope you're doing fantastic down where you are. I was just looking through some old pictures of you as a child and realized just how precious you were. LOL! When are you coming back up to visit? Your Uncle Jeff and I can't wait to see you again. We've got plenty of chores for you to do up here to help around the house. LOL! Just kidding Jim! How's your mother? I hope you're helping her out and being a good kid! But I have nothing to worry about, you're always a great kid! LOL! Hope all is well.
When someone stares at me while I'm eating: →
If it’s some stranger: If it’s my best friend:
mom: you think these actors have nice hair and fashion now but in 20 years you will look back at these photos and be like-
me: look children it's your father
Partying on New Year's Eve?
Don’t drink and drive — and don’t ride with anybody who does. Tipsy Tow offered by AAA: you don’t have to be a AAA member, from 6pm-6am on New Years Eve/day, they will take your drunk self and your car home for FREE. Save this number… 1-800-222-4357. Please reblog this if you don’t mind.
Me: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Mum: He's black
Me: You look for fresh prints, but oh my god
when you suddenly get a cramp in your foot